For as long as I can remember I have always had this great ability of detaching from things and people. It is almost like a part of me shuts down to no longer allow my heart to be broken. It makes me seem very cold and unaffectionate at times. I know that is not who I am but I also had to figure out why I have this gift and curse of compartmentalizing my heart. Getting to root of it was the only way I was ever going to allow myself to live with a somewhat unguarded heart.

I believe it started sometime between the ages of 3-6. My parents separated and I was stuck between choosing which parent I wanted to live with. It had to be one of the hardest things I could have ever done and I remember it like it was yesterday. My mom and dad, both whom loved me very much and both wanted me with them, were yelling at each other outside of my mom’s apartment. She kept telling my dad that she was taking me and he yelled and told her she wasn’t capable of taking care of me. I was standing there between them unsure of what to do. I loved both of my parents very much! I mean, how can I choose between my mother and father. So much was going through my young mind and I just wanted to turn it all off. Finally, I heard the question, “Keyonna, who do you want to go with?!” I looked at both of them and said, “my dad” and began to walk towards his car.  I could hear my mom crying and yelling, then finally a brick was coming towards my dads car as he sped off. It was that night that I first felt a moment of detachment, which I had to continue to do throughout my life.

I had to keep myself detached due to my mom’s drug use because I was always afraid of losing her. I just wanted her to spend time with me and love me, but instead she would spend days at a time in a room sleeping and using drugs. I don’t remember ever going to church during that time, but I remember saying one day, “God if you are there, please wake my mommy up!” I am not exaggerating when I tell you that a few months later, my mother got off of drugs. No programs or anything involved. She told me she just woke up one day and felt different. She wanted a different life and she wanted me in it. I was so happy that I could finally have my mommy! Well, not so much. I always had to share my mom because when she got off of drugs, she wanted to help any and every child that was going through anything remotely close to what I went through. My mother became the mother to EVERYONE in Shipley Terrace, SE as she opened the infamous “red door” and called it “Love Thy Neighbor”. As happy as I was that my mother had become an amazing woman, was doing extraordinary things, and was someone that everyone could look up to and strive to become, I still didn’t have her. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of my sisters and brothers I gained throughout my childhood through my mother, but there were times when I just wanted her to love me and just me. I wanted to have that mommy/daughter time I never was able to get when she was on drugs. Although she showed me she loved me in so many ways, I still felt detached.

At the same time my mother was opening her community center, my dad and stepmom was about to welcome their first son. I had been the only child for about 12 years so although I was very excited to be a big sister, I never expected the jealousy I was about to feel. My parents did an amazing job at keeping me involved throughout the process of them having my brothers, but there were just some things that were going to be different. I mean for one, my dad was now able to do “boy things” now that he had sons. That had him out at practices with them most days. I also use to think they were spoiled. I mean, grown, adult me understands why our lives were so different, but young teenage me was bitter. My parents were just in a better place financially when they had my brothers then they were when it was just me. I get it now, but then I had a major attitude towards my parents. I was able to compartmentalize the anger to just my parents though because as I got into my teenage years and got jobs, I bought my brothers any and everything they wanted. I loved them so much…and I still do, but I still had to detach myself to keep from being jealous and angry.

My junior year in high school was very stressful for me. My mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. She had already beat lung cancer, but it came back with a vengeance and attacked her brain. I would leave school about 3 days a week and take my mom to her treatments. I didn’t tell anyone I was doing this. It was just between me and my mom. My teachers were wondering why I was always missing class, but I never told them because that meant I would have to tell my dad and I didn’t want him to be upset that I was missing so much school. This was a time when my mom and I got very close. I would just sit with her as she got her treatments and we would tell each other stories. She would hold my hand and tell me that everything was going to be ok. She told me that I was always a strong little girl and she knew that I was special from the moment she laid eyes on me. She told me that the reason she was more involved with the other kids was because she knew that I already had “it” in me. We shared so many moments and it was all the moments I always wanted. Just me and her. Just the two of us talking and laughing. Finally I have my mommy! Not quite. I am on my way to school to take an exam in my calculus class when I received a phone call from my cousin. She told me my mom passed away. I got to the hospital as fast as I could to see my mom. I just couldn’t believe that she was gone because I was just with her the night before. That night she asked me to stay with her and I should have known something was wrong because I was going back and forth from SE to Clinton for some time now just to make sure I was going to school and spending time with my mom. I told her I would leave school right after my exam to be with her and she said ok. She stopped me as I walked out the door and told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too, but she stopped me again and said, “no Keyonna, I don’t want you to ever forget that I love you!” I looked at her and said, “mommy I know!” Now here I am the next morning racing to the Greater Southeast Hospital trying to see if I can save my mom. When I got there, the nurse told me I would not be able to see her because she had already passed and they had to wait for some other things to happen before I could view the body. I cried and cried, then finally she said, I am not supposed to do this but come on with me. I went with her and was able to see my mom. I hugged her so tight and told her I loved her so much. That is when one tear fell from her eye, I wiped it away and told her I know you love me too. It was at this time that I detached from God. I didn’t think it was possible for God to be real if He took someone that had changed her life around and was doing so much for the community.

I took all of this detachment into adulthood and into my relationships. I was never the one who got super sad and depressed over breakups or losing friends. I was just like oh well, give me a couple of days and I will be alright. It wasn’t until I began to get myself together spiritually and emotionally that I was able to realize that my detachment was  because of me and the pain I had been holding onto. I was detaching from myself emotionally in every situation trying not to feel pain. My self esteem would lower and I would feel less worthy of love. I had to figure out how to just allow myself to feel every emotion, deal with the emotion, and then release the emotion. I didn’t have to detach from it to keep myself from feeling because that would only make things worst. We are made to feel emotions so acting like you don’t have them will only hurt you and others in the process. Now, if I am hurt, I allow myself to feel that hurt while figuring out why it hurt me. Once I realize why it hurt, I can now either explain it to the person who hurt me or make a necessary change if the reason it hurt was because it was true. I can then go on to release that hurt because it no longer serves a purpose in my life. I should no longer hold on to that. I have taken these steps and released those detachments from my past as well.

Although I was young, my parents thought I was bright enough to make a decision who was best to care for me. Although I loved my mother dearly, I would say I made a great choice. My dad did an amazing job raising me and the love we have for each other is beyond measure. Knowing that my mother was able to defeat the odds, overcoming addiction, and helping numerous people get their lives on track shows how amazing she really was. It is the love and respect everyone had for her that spoke volumes to me. She taught me and loved me through her actions, not her words. My parents did their best to treat me and my brothers the same. I was just a stubborn teen that wanted to be difficult. I accept that and I am glad that I am past that phase of my life. We all have a time and date when we will exit this earth. How do you plan on living right now? How many lives do you want to impact before your time is up? Although I didn’t feel like I was given the amount of time I wanted with my mother, I was given all I needed while she was here. The was taught lessons that I will be able to carry with me forever. I also have to remember that I am fruit from her tree. I am the seed she carried, planted, and watered so she is forever inside of me. God didn’t take her, I was given her for a lifetime.

Getting to the root and digging them up is the one of the best ways of making a change. Sometimes that means letting go of those trees that were planted and putting down new seeds. Sometime it means seeing what is at the root and cleaning up whatever doesn’t belong so that tree can stay strong and healthy. I am now able to live in love and without detachments now that I have gotten to the roots of some of my issues. I am not saying this journey will be perfect from this point on, but at least I know where it is coming from and I can be aware of my actions.

What is it that you want to start digging up?