Loving Me Fit

On Valentine’s day I started thinking about love and all the people I loved and cared for, and for the first time since I can remember, I was at the top of my list. I always talk about self-love and telling people how important it is to live a happy, healthy life, but I was still battling with this same issue on a regular basis. I would have happy moments and points when I truly did love myself, but those moments were short lived. Why is it that I haven’t made any major changes, yet my view of myself keeps changing? I just couldn’t figure it out.

One day while in my Cognitive Processing Therapy (PTSD counseling), my therapist gave me an extra assignment. He asked me to write down things I wanted to do and actually do them for an entire week. Sounds easy and fun, right? Not for me! I had no idea what “I” wanted to do. For the majority of my life, I did what everyone else wanted to do or wanted me to do. If someone would ask me what I wanted, my answer was likely going to be “I don’t know” or “I don’t care, whatever is fine with me.” But now, here I am, in a place where I have to do things that I actually want to do without any input from anyone else. My mind starts going and I tell him that everything I do now is what I want to do. He responded, “No, those are things you have grown accustomed to doing and now they are a habit for you. I want you to do something that you don’t do out of habit but because YOU genuinely want to do it.” I sigh and say “ok” like my life as I know it is over. I joked with him about it, but I was seriously afraid. I mean who doesn’t know what they want to do. It took me some time, like a few days…ok more like a week. I went back to counseling the next week and had nothing. I did absolutely nothing that I wanted to do. I mean there was some random inserts in my weekly log that included eating Chic-Fil-A and doing nothing but reading a book, but apparently that wasn’t what he meant. I needed to do some soul searching.

During this time, I was also working on other ways to better myself, like downsizing my closet and other areas of my life. During one of my meditations I went in with the intention of discovering what it was I wanted. It was during this that it seemed like a lightbulb went off on the inside of me. The first thing I wanted to do was go to a yoga class. Like a REAL yoga class in a nice studio. I also realized that I wanted to be ok with being me. I sat at my vanity and looked myself in the mirror and asked myself, “Who are YOU?” I began writing in my journal and things I have been thinking about for some time started to make its way to the paper. I was realizing that my entire life has been a lie. Well not my entire life. There are some areas where I made decisions that I wanted to make without thinking about others. But for the vast majority of my life I was not being myself. My truest self to the core. No wonder it was so hard for me to love me. I was trying to force myself to love this made up version of me that the inner me didn’t know. I was trying to force myself to love a mask. I was trying to force myself to love a person I created in order to fit in and be loved by others. It worked! I was and still am loved by so many people. Most of those people will love me regardless of who I am, while others will only love the façade I created.

I asked myself again, “Who am I?” Well, what I have realized over this discovery is that I hate fashion and if I could redo my entire closet, I would probably choose more Boho Chic style clothes, t-shirts and sneakers, or workout clothes. I don’t care about labels and as long as it was good quality, I wouldn’t mind getting most of my clothes out of Walmart. I love minimalism. I can wear the same things over and over, just like I don’t mind eating the same things over and over. Less is more and if I don’t have to put much thought into things, I am so much happier. I don’t like being around a lot of people because I really don’t fit in. I had a lot of friends growing up, but I always felt that I really didn’t quite fit in with any of them. I was a cheerleader and it was cool, but I also loved hanging out with the Goth’s in front of the library. They used to play Manson on their cassette players and let me listen. I am not very religious at all, although growing up and into my adult life, I was considered a Christian. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with having a religion, but I have realized that it just isn’t who I am. I am a very spiritual person and I truly believe that the spirit within us is not bound to a religious belief. Our spirit is limitless and it was time for me to be free.

I am an empath through and through. I can feel the energy of others very strongly, hence why I don’t like being around people. I absolutely love being alone. If I go out and have to be surrounded by a lot of people, I need at least a full 24 to 48 hours to recover. I am not joking! It is draining. I am now learning how to ground and protect myself from the transference of the energy and not picking up the energy unless I really want to. I am a healer as well, which I know most who truly know me won’t be surprised by this realization. I have always been the one to try to make people better, whether that be by motivating them, giving words of encouragement, or just listening. Whatever it was they needed, I was sure to be there for them. I knew as a kid that I had a healing energy, but I also didn’t know what that meant either. I was always told by people that I had a very strong spirit and energy about me. Again, I didn’t know what that meant or what to do with that information. I am not sure if they knew either. It wasn’t until recently that I started to feel and learn more about what is within me. I can’t wait to dive deeper into that part of me.

I absolutely love yoga! I mean LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, YOGA! It captures the essence of who I am at the core. I would do yoga at the gym some years ago, but it was nothing like going to a studio and being submersed in the essence of it. It is everything I speak of on a regular basis, mind, body, and spirit. It is ME! Yoga is ME! After my first class, I told my parents about it and my dad immediately started asking me about the different poses and wondering what we did in class. I was looking at him crazy, like how do you even know this stuff. Come to find out, my dad was a yogi and deep meditator back in his younger days. This entire time, this has been in my blood and I had no idea. Who are you dad? What else are you holding out from me? HAHAHAHA!! No but seriously, this was another huge AHA moment for me. Things that seem to come so natural to me has a lot to do with the blood that is flowing through my veins. Part of me wishes I knew this earlier because maybe I would have been ok with being different at an earlier age. Part of me is happy that I went through this process of learning who I am in my own way because I am embracing it and loving it even more. It has been a journey thus far and it has only just begun.

So again, who am I? I am. That’s it. I just am. I am a being, being who I am, without any boundaries around who I am nor what I can do. I love who I am!

Although I have been writing, it has been a while since I posted a blog. It has been on my heart the last couple of days and I thought I would actually sit down and write something to share with anyone willing to read my thoughts. I have been thinking about the importance of surrounding yourself with a variety of people. I am not talking about just having a lot of people around you that you don’t really talk to, but have a core group of people with varying views and walks of life.

I think so many of us surround ourselves with people that think and act in a similar manner that we are unable to understand those that do not think nor act like us. We are becoming more closed minded because we are refusing to open ourselves up to the differences we have. We are all not going to have the same religious beliefs, if we have them at all. We are all not going to be rich or have the same goals in life. Some people are content with where they are and like their 9-5 job and that is ok. Some people are going to want to have their own businesses or may like network marketing and that is ok. What is not ok, is making people feel like they are less than, or not worthy of your time because they view life a little…or a lot differently than you do. Judging them does not make you a better person.

Start getting together with people that are totally different from who you are and truly be open to hearing their views. You don’t have to agree with them, but you should listen to them and try to understand their point of view. I have found this issue more in the religious community than anywhere else. The different religions tend to surround themselves with people that believe the same things they believe and a lot of times, if you don’t believe what they feel is right, they will either try to convince you that your own beliefs are wrong or they won’t talk to you at all. If we actually sat down and talked about our beliefs instead of arguing over them, we could possibly realize that we are more the same than we are different. Majority of us just want to live a loving, happy, and fulfilling life in the best way we can, and if that means praying to God, Allah, Jehovah, The Source, The Universe, no one at all, whatever it is you believe, then that is what we should do. It doesn’t make one person bad or wrong, it just means they are different than you and they are doing what works for them. If it doesn’t work, then maybe some of what you shared will stick with them and they may try your way. You cannot force religious beliefs on anyone. The only thing you can do is speak YOUR truth and YOUR experiences to those willing to listen.

One thing the military did for me was give me the opportunity to be immersed with other cultures. I was able to meet people from just about every background and although we had our differences, we all had one common goal, to serve our country and take full advantage of every benefit we were given. I met some truly amazing people that not only were my friends, but some became family. Some of my friends are Buddhists, Atheists, Catholics, Christians, Muslims, Agnostics, and everything in between, and I love everything about each and every one of them. They are all unique and despite our differing beliefs, I love them with all of my heart. Listening to and understanding who they are to the core is what keeps me balanced.

Life will bring you so much joy and pain, success and failures. What matters the most is how you deal with them. So many people fail and then refuse to try again. They are afraid of a second failure, not realizing that failure is what is needed for growth. Without failure, how do you know what weeds are in your garden? How do you know what has to be groomed in your life so that you can become better? Life is a lot like gardening when you look at it. When farmers want their crops to grow, they go out and chop down the weeds. They water them and prepare them for their season of growth. Our lives are very similar because in order to get into our season of growth we have to be watered, weeded, and fed.

Most of us hate going through the storms in life. They can be some of the most difficult times we experience and all we want to do is ball up in a corner and cry. Or maybe that is just what I want to do when I have to go through storms. Especially those storms that seem like they are never ending. One thing after the next and there seems like there is no sun in sight. I wonder what they are all for and what I am supposed to learn as I go through each of these “storms” in my life. I know there is a purpose in everything we experience whether it be good or bad. The only thing we can do is try to keep a positive outlook as we go through because our attitude can dictate the outcome. Welcome the rain in your life because without rain your crops will dry out. You don’t want the crops of your future to not bear any fruit because you had a negative outlook on life.

There are going to be times when you need to pull the weeds from around the crops to ensure they remain healthy. This means you may have to pull out the bad people from around you. Weed them out because weeds can suffocate crops and cause them to die. Have you ever tried to share some of your goals with a “friend” to only be told what they think you should do instead because for whatever reason they don’t think you can do that thing you shared with them. Next thing you know, you are second guessing what was placed in your heart to do and then that dream finally dies and you never think about it again. Well that is what weeds will do to you. They will have you thinking less of yourself before you even realize it. Just like the weeds you find in a garden, they are very small and subtle at first, then all of a sudden they take over the garden and you are trying to figure out how they got there. The people that you need to rid yourself of are those that make small, subtle suggestions that you are not worthy. You have to remove those weeds before they choke you and your dreams.

In order for you and your crops to grow, they will need to be fed. You have to choose to feed yourself with the proper nutrients that will help keep you healthy. This includes mental feedings as well. You have to ensure that your mind is in good shape for where you want to go in life. You have to take care of your body, mind, and soul because anywhere there is space for someone to come in to try to attack, they will. Ensure you are mentally and physically strong to take on whatever life throws at you. Stay firmly planted in whatever your goals are so the winds won’t blow you over and uproot you. Nurture your soil so that you can continue to grow.

We are a reflection of the fruit that comes from us, so ensure you are producing fruit that will be uplifting and sweet to those that eat from it. Ensure the seeds that you plant will be seeds of love. Garden your life to greatness!

As I sit here at the computer contemplating on what I want to write about, it came to me that I don’t need a reason to write. I can just write because it is therapeutic for me. I can just write to get out whatever is in my head at the moment. I can just write because I can. No need to have some lesson I feel I needed to learn and get out to the world. No need to feel that I have to share some dark secrets from my past. I just really wanted to sit down and write because first, I made a promise to myself that I would do this at least once a week and that is a promise I will keep. Writing is also starting to feel good to me. It was something I would constantly say I couldn’t do because I thought I sucked at it. I mean I did almost fail English class one year. *insert major side eye* I am learning that writing doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be genuinely you. Instead of me constantly telling myself that I cannot do this, I will do this no matter how bad my writing may be…right now. We all know that practice makes perfect! I know that if I continue to sit down and write every week like I plan, my blogs will just get better and better. Maybe one day I will  streamline what it is I want to talk about weekly but more than likely, I won’t. I know a lot of bloggers have particular subjects they like to write about, but for me, I just like to go wherever the spirit within takes me. Some weeks I may want to talk about my journey to the stage, other weeks I may want to talk about my spiritual journey and the shifts my life has taken, and then there may be weeks when I just want to vent about what I am going through in my marriage, as a mom, boss, daughter, and just Keyonna. This blog is just me sharing myself with the world in the best way I can. Sometimes life feels like it is going and has no rhyme or reason, so I am just going to go with the flow of life and love myself throughout every lesson and blessing. Life isn’t perfect, and I plan on sharing all of the ups and downs of mine with you here. I hope you decide to log in weekly to see what part of the journey I have been prompted to share with you. Some of it may make you want to laugh, cry, shout, and just want to hug someone, but it will be all real and all me. You may hate my writing, but I guarantee if you hang in there with me, you will begin to love it as you see me grow weekly. If this is your first time reading my blog, feel free to go back and read the few I have already written and let me know what you think. If you have been keeping up with me thus far, THANK YOU! I hope that you are enjoying what you are reading and will continue to come back to see what more I have going on in this head of mine. See you all next week or maybe sooner if something is placed in my spirit to share. 🙂

For as long as I can remember I have always had this great ability of detaching from things and people. It is almost like a part of me shuts down to no longer allow my heart to be broken. It makes me seem very cold and unaffectionate at times. I know that is not who I am but I also had to figure out why I have this gift and curse of compartmentalizing my heart. Getting to root of it was the only way I was ever going to allow myself to live with a somewhat unguarded heart.

I believe it started sometime between the ages of 3-6. My parents separated and I was stuck between choosing which parent I wanted to live with. It had to be one of the hardest things I could have ever done and I remember it like it was yesterday. My mom and dad, both whom loved me very much and both wanted me with them, were yelling at each other outside of my mom’s apartment. She kept telling my dad that she was taking me and he yelled and told her she wasn’t capable of taking care of me. I was standing there between them unsure of what to do. I loved both of my parents very much! I mean, how can I choose between my mother and father. So much was going through my young mind and I just wanted to turn it all off. Finally, I heard the question, “Keyonna, who do you want to go with?!” I looked at both of them and said, “my dad” and began to walk towards his car.  I could hear my mom crying and yelling, then finally a brick was coming towards my dads car as he sped off. It was that night that I first felt a moment of detachment, which I had to continue to do throughout my life.

I had to keep myself detached due to my mom’s drug use because I was always afraid of losing her. I just wanted her to spend time with me and love me, but instead she would spend days at a time in a room sleeping and using drugs. I don’t remember ever going to church during that time, but I remember saying one day, “God if you are there, please wake my mommy up!” I am not exaggerating when I tell you that a few months later, my mother got off of drugs. No programs or anything involved. She told me she just woke up one day and felt different. She wanted a different life and she wanted me in it. I was so happy that I could finally have my mommy! Well, not so much. I always had to share my mom because when she got off of drugs, she wanted to help any and every child that was going through anything remotely close to what I went through. My mother became the mother to EVERYONE in Shipley Terrace, SE as she opened the infamous “red door” and called it “Love Thy Neighbor”. As happy as I was that my mother had become an amazing woman, was doing extraordinary things, and was someone that everyone could look up to and strive to become, I still didn’t have her. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of my sisters and brothers I gained throughout my childhood through my mother, but there were times when I just wanted her to love me and just me. I wanted to have that mommy/daughter time I never was able to get when she was on drugs. Although she showed me she loved me in so many ways, I still felt detached.

At the same time my mother was opening her community center, my dad and stepmom was about to welcome their first son. I had been the only child for about 12 years so although I was very excited to be a big sister, I never expected the jealousy I was about to feel. My parents did an amazing job at keeping me involved throughout the process of them having my brothers, but there were just some things that were going to be different. I mean for one, my dad was now able to do “boy things” now that he had sons. That had him out at practices with them most days. I also use to think they were spoiled. I mean, grown, adult me understands why our lives were so different, but young teenage me was bitter. My parents were just in a better place financially when they had my brothers then they were when it was just me. I get it now, but then I had a major attitude towards my parents. I was able to compartmentalize the anger to just my parents though because as I got into my teenage years and got jobs, I bought my brothers any and everything they wanted. I loved them so much…and I still do, but I still had to detach myself to keep from being jealous and angry.

My junior year in high school was very stressful for me. My mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. She had already beat lung cancer, but it came back with a vengeance and attacked her brain. I would leave school about 3 days a week and take my mom to her treatments. I didn’t tell anyone I was doing this. It was just between me and my mom. My teachers were wondering why I was always missing class, but I never told them because that meant I would have to tell my dad and I didn’t want him to be upset that I was missing so much school. This was a time when my mom and I got very close. I would just sit with her as she got her treatments and we would tell each other stories. She would hold my hand and tell me that everything was going to be ok. She told me that I was always a strong little girl and she knew that I was special from the moment she laid eyes on me. She told me that the reason she was more involved with the other kids was because she knew that I already had “it” in me. We shared so many moments and it was all the moments I always wanted. Just me and her. Just the two of us talking and laughing. Finally I have my mommy! Not quite. I am on my way to school to take an exam in my calculus class when I received a phone call from my cousin. She told me my mom passed away. I got to the hospital as fast as I could to see my mom. I just couldn’t believe that she was gone because I was just with her the night before. That night she asked me to stay with her and I should have known something was wrong because I was going back and forth from SE to Clinton for some time now just to make sure I was going to school and spending time with my mom. I told her I would leave school right after my exam to be with her and she said ok. She stopped me as I walked out the door and told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too, but she stopped me again and said, “no Keyonna, I don’t want you to ever forget that I love you!” I looked at her and said, “mommy I know!” Now here I am the next morning racing to the Greater Southeast Hospital trying to see if I can save my mom. When I got there, the nurse told me I would not be able to see her because she had already passed and they had to wait for some other things to happen before I could view the body. I cried and cried, then finally she said, I am not supposed to do this but come on with me. I went with her and was able to see my mom. I hugged her so tight and told her I loved her so much. That is when one tear fell from her eye, I wiped it away and told her I know you love me too. It was at this time that I detached from God. I didn’t think it was possible for God to be real if He took someone that had changed her life around and was doing so much for the community.

I took all of this detachment into adulthood and into my relationships. I was never the one who got super sad and depressed over breakups or losing friends. I was just like oh well, give me a couple of days and I will be alright. It wasn’t until I began to get myself together spiritually and emotionally that I was able to realize that my detachment was  because of me and the pain I had been holding onto. I was detaching from myself emotionally in every situation trying not to feel pain. My self esteem would lower and I would feel less worthy of love. I had to figure out how to just allow myself to feel every emotion, deal with the emotion, and then release the emotion. I didn’t have to detach from it to keep myself from feeling because that would only make things worst. We are made to feel emotions so acting like you don’t have them will only hurt you and others in the process. Now, if I am hurt, I allow myself to feel that hurt while figuring out why it hurt me. Once I realize why it hurt, I can now either explain it to the person who hurt me or make a necessary change if the reason it hurt was because it was true. I can then go on to release that hurt because it no longer serves a purpose in my life. I should no longer hold on to that. I have taken these steps and released those detachments from my past as well.

Although I was young, my parents thought I was bright enough to make a decision who was best to care for me. Although I loved my mother dearly, I would say I made a great choice. My dad did an amazing job raising me and the love we have for each other is beyond measure. Knowing that my mother was able to defeat the odds, overcoming addiction, and helping numerous people get their lives on track shows how amazing she really was. It is the love and respect everyone had for her that spoke volumes to me. She taught me and loved me through her actions, not her words. My parents did their best to treat me and my brothers the same. I was just a stubborn teen that wanted to be difficult. I accept that and I am glad that I am past that phase of my life. We all have a time and date when we will exit this earth. How do you plan on living right now? How many lives do you want to impact before your time is up? Although I didn’t feel like I was given the amount of time I wanted with my mother, I was given all I needed while she was here. The was taught lessons that I will be able to carry with me forever. I also have to remember that I am fruit from her tree. I am the seed she carried, planted, and watered so she is forever inside of me. God didn’t take her, I was given her for a lifetime.

Getting to the root and digging them up is the one of the best ways of making a change. Sometimes that means letting go of those trees that were planted and putting down new seeds. Sometime it means seeing what is at the root and cleaning up whatever doesn’t belong so that tree can stay strong and healthy. I am now able to live in love and without detachments now that I have gotten to the roots of some of my issues. I am not saying this journey will be perfect from this point on, but at least I know where it is coming from and I can be aware of my actions.

What is it that you want to start digging up?

I have wanted to do a blog series for almost a month now but I have been putting it off mainly because I wasn’t exactly where I wanted to be at the time. I was making excuse after excuse on why I hadn’t sat down to write out a post. “I am too tired and I have too much to do.” That was code for, I just want to lie in the bed, eat ice cream, and watch YouTube videos. I was then reminded that is the exact reason for the series. I know I am not the only one that goes through these weird experiences, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually so how about I talk about the things that go through my head and what I experience on a regular basis. With all of the suicides we are seeing I figured what better place to start, depression.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I battled with depression for as long as I can remember and most of the people around me had no clue what I was going through. Even as a young child I had to deal with my low self-esteem and depression, which is how I became a professional at internalizing my emotions and getting what people call “thick skin”. I would get teased for having dry, wrinkled skin, and bags under my eyes. It would hurt and yes I would cry but then I would get teased more for crying. You see, it wasn’t cool to cry when people talked about you and my cousins (whom I love dearly) were savages back then. They wanted me to be tough so I could deal with what they knew the world was going to throw my way anyway. Although they were right and didn’t mean to hurt me, it made me very self-conscious. I would cry, a lot, but mainly when no one was around to hear the tears. It felt good to get it out, slap on a smile, and then move on with the day. I didn’t realize what it was doing to me internally at the time.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! People handle depression in different ways and I went through a lot of phases trying to figure out how to feel “happy”. From sex, to shopping, to eating, to finally working out and meditation, I mean you name it I probably did it. Well except hard drugs and smoking, but those reasons will come in another YOU ARE NOT ALONE post. Most of what I did to feel “happy” only made me feel more depressed. Lets take a look at them and talk about how they made me feel.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I thought sex was a way to feel sexy and make men want me. I mean, of course then I would be happy if people actually wanted me and thought I was pretty. It was empowering at first to know I had the power to make men (and some women, but again that is for another YOU ARE NOT ALONE post) want me. I wanted to feel loved and needed but I didn’t realize just what it was doing to me spiritually. Sex just made me feel emptier inside. It was like I was losing a part of me every time I gave myself to someone else but I didn’t know how to stop. Certainly, if I didn’t have sex then I would be alone and back into my depression. Sex allowed me to get my mind off of how I was really feeling on the inside for just that moment and since I didn’t want to have those depressed emotions I just stayed in unstable relationships. It was this one time when I thought it would be a good idea to become a stripper that a guy sat me down and told me everything I needed to hear. He said, “I am not sure what your story is or why you are here, heck I don’t even know why I am here, but it was put in my heart to tell you that you don’t need to do this. You are beautiful and there is so much more in store for you. God wants to do something through you and if you stay in this atmosphere it will only lead you into darkness.” That was the second day of my stripping gig and also my last day. I was sad to see that money go, but I ended up getting a job at the movie theater instead. I mean he was right and I am forever thankful that he actually talked to me. There is no telling where I would be if he didn’t. So if you are like me and depending on sex to make you feel better, know that lifestyle will only lead you further into the darkness of depression. You can get out and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Shopping was one of my FAVORITE things to do. I loved to dress nice and buy things just to buy them. Even if it weren’t needed, I would find myself in some mall just looking around until I found something I “needed” to have. Oh and don’t let it be extremely cute because then I had to get it in all colors. Yep, I had an issue. This issue only left me more depressed and in debt. What can one person do with 80 pairs of jeans? I have no idea, yet I had over 80 pairs and refused to give them up. I don’t know if it was because shopping allowed me to be around 100’s of other people doing the same thing, or the one person that was helping me in Nordstrom that made me feel special, or if it was the compliments I would get for dressing nice, but it made me feel good…at that moment. But still, when I got home and had to put the clothes away or take off the nice outfit, I was still naked and alone in my thoughts and the depression was still peeking its ugly head. So if you are like me and want to shop your way through the depression, know that no amount of money or material items will bring you happiness. You can get out and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Food put me in a “happy” place. Well chocolate and ice cream did it for me and if you put those two together, I felt like I was in heaven! That was until I could no longer button up those 80+ pairs of jeans I had in my closet. What was I doing to myself? How could something that made me feel so good be so bad? I guess this was the story of my life. I mean chocolate is known to lift your mood because of the release of serotonin it causes so it isn’t all bad, but it was the rate at which I was eating it. I mean when you are battling depression, this is something that never goes away so I would be eating ice cream and chocolate every night right before bed just to make me feel better and get me through the next day. 40 pounds later I am trying to figure out what happened to my life and what in the world I am going to do to change it. It was a huge back and forth because the weight made me more depressed, which led me to want to eat even more, which in turn made me more depressed. It was a vicious cycle I needed to get out of and quick before it did more damage. If you are like me, depending on food to change your mood, know that it will only lead to more issues in the future. Those issues can be diabetes, heart disease, or even death. It is not too late; you can get out and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! My first trainer (Tonya) was nothing short of amazing. I went to her when I was feeling really low. I was newly divorced, trying to figure out life, and get my body back. I didn’t realize just how much better I would feel once I started working out. It was a little confusing though, because although I was in pain, mentally I felt so good. It was like I was getting my chocolate fix, but in a healthy way. Tonya would encourage me, inspire me, and push me past whatever imaginary limit I set for myself. I knew that this was going to be my life one way or another. I now had a reason to live! If I could just help one person the way she helped me I would be happy. She gave me a glimpse of my purpose and now it was up to me to either allow my mind to keep me in bondage or to find a way to stay in this happy, healthy space and help others. My body was looking and feeling so much better, but all I kept thinking was, “now what?” If you are like me and found something that brings you some happiness but don’t know how to add it into your daily living, know that you can if you just make it a priority. Make a list of things you have to do and ensure it is on your list. We all go through this and I am still trying to prioritize my life. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! The moment I learned the art of meditation my life changed drastically! Something about learning how to quiet the mind and just be at peace in each moment did something to me. It allowed me to literally turn off those bad thoughts and change the dialogue I was having in my head. Meditation brought a peace that cannot be explained but can only be felt. It was the first time I was able to feel the separation between my physical body and my spiritual self. That was when I realized that I am not just this shell of a body, but I am this spiritual being placed on this earth to make a difference. My body is only the vessel my spirit is using to deliver the message and make that difference. Meditation allowed me to realize the connection we have with the earth and all that is within. Just driving in silence from time to time, listening to the trees blow in the wind, the birds chirping, and the waters flowing brings about a sense of peace. All of those things are just being. They don’t worry about what other birds think of them, or if one branch grows longer than the other, or if one wave is higher than the next. Nope, they just simply continue to be. I am learning that instead of waiting on the right time to be me, I just simply have to be. My depression was based on outside influences, which was influencing my insides. I had to get on the inside of myself and slowly prune away those layers that no longer needed to be. My daughter said something on Friday that we all laughed at, but now that I am writing this makes so much more sense to me. A friend said to Sarah, “Sarah you have really come out of your shell!” She replied, “Yes, it was just a shell and I am out of it now so you can have it if you want to.” That statement is so profound coming from a nine year old. Even she realized that a shell is just that, something you can come out of and throw it away. I mean she was willing to give hers to someone else, but you get the picture. There are some shells we have within us that we are afraid to come out of because we don’t feel worthy. This unworthiness causes a depression and I am here to tell you that YOU ARE WORTHY! So if you are like me and tired of battling with depression and the thoughts of suicide, know that you can change your thoughts. You are amazing just the way you are! You are beautiful! YOU ARE NOT ALONE because we are ALL worthy of living this life and being our best selves even in our mess.

I LOVE YOU!

Everyone that knows me knows how much I love butterflies, so when I saw the filter on Snapchat it was a no-brainer that I took a picture. It also reminded me of how amazing and beautiful butterflies are. I always loved them because of how they transform from caterpillars into these beautiful, unique creatures. Something about the butterfly is mesmerizing to me. When I see them, I instantly have a smile on my face as I take in their colors. As I started to think about them I decided to do a little more research because I felt that there was so much more to them than what I was seeing with my eyes. I realized that the creation of a butterfly is much like our spiritual walk. Let me share with you why I believe this to be.

 

I learned that butterflies start off as eggs and their egg shapes are dependent on the type of butterfly that laid that egg. Once the egg hatches we get to see the caterpillar that was inside. It could have been a positive word someone said to us, or act of kindness we encountered that laid the egg of our transformation, but it was how our journey of change began.

 

As a caterpillar all it does is eat. It even begins the process by first eating the leaf it was hatched on, which is why it is important to choose the leaf wisely. They begin to grow as they eat, but because their skin does not stretch they grow by shedding the outgrown skin several times. Let’s look at that from a spiritual place. When we start out we are crawling, or rather just slithering our way through life trying to eat. We have to be careful where we decide to hatch ourselves because if we are not fed properly, it could lead to our demise. As we are feeding ourselves and beginning to grow, there are going to be areas of our lives that we will need to shed. That could be old habits, people, or even pounds for all I’m concerned. Haha! If we don’t shed when needed it could stunt our growth and again, lead to our death (not being literal here). Every time we grow, we will need to go through that shedding process all over again. It might be painful, but it’s necessary. 

 

Once the caterpillar is done growing they form into a pupa. To us, it looks like it is resting but on the inside it is making a transformation or a ‘metamorphosis’ as I’d like to call it. The body of the caterpillar changes into a beautiful butterfly all while in the pupa stage. I think as we go through a metamorphosis ourselves, sometimes we need to take some time and rest. Get quiet and do an internal change. People may wonder what’s going on, but what they don’t see is that we are growing our wings. 

 

Once the butterfly comes out of the pupa, the wings are soft and folded against its body. It rests for a while then it begins to pump blood into the wings so it can fly. When we first transform our lives, we are going to be fragile. We are going to need our heart and mind fully engaged to combat those that will be trying to take us out so we can fly above them. 

 

Adult butterflies are constantly looking to reproduce themselves and that’s when the process repeats itself. When we get to a place that we are flying like a butterfly, we should be looking for others we can mentor and pour into so we can reproduce what we have on the inside of us into someone else. We have to put them on the right leaf so they can eat and get the right nourishment for their growth. 

 

See, I knew there was a reason I am so in love with butterflies. They speak to my spirit! I am a butterfly and so are you! 

In life, we are so hesitant to get into a relationship with people because we say that we need to get to know them first. This is totally logical because you never want to get yourself into bad situations by allowing someone into your “personal space” without knowing their intentions or at least knowing a little bit about who they are as a person. We want to know what they stand for, what happened in their past, how many people they dated, how many mutual friends you have, how many people are following them on Instagram. I mean we really want to go into some of the intricate details of the lives of others, but how often do we take the time to go into the intricate details of our own lives. How many times do we sit back and get to know ourselves? I know most people are thinking, “I know myself! I lived with myself for ## years, so I know who I am.” Is that really a true statement though?

A lot of who we become is not because of who we are, but is rather caused by the things, people, and even circumstances around us. So many people have heard stories of successful people that say, “I became a (insert occupation here) because my parents really wanted me to.” If they had it their way, they may have been an artist, dancer, musician, or something that really makes their heart smile. How many drug dealers do you know that were really smart and had so much potential but ended up on the corner because of the environment or the circumstances of their lives. There are so many examples of people becoming who they are strictly because of other “things” outside of themselves. If you are able to sit back and truly think about WHO you are as a person, what would you say? Do you even know who you are?

For me, this has taken a lot of time to figure out and even when I think I know, something comes up that teaches me a little more about who I am. I am going to continue on this path of learning and growing because I know that it will lead me to my destiny. It will lead me to the calling that was placed on my life. It will teach me how I can be of service to others in a way only I can be. I am looking forward to every day of this journey of getting to know ME!

“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

-William Shakespeare