I was recently having a conversation with my husband and after I said what I felt needed to be said, he replied, “Why do you always quit?” It was a question I was asked just the previous day after having a conversation with someone at work. It was something I never really asked myself, but here it is, coming up in two separate conversations when I was being open about my feelings. “Why do I quit?” After days of meditation, reading, and journaling, I decided to take a good look at who I was as a person. I had to start back at my childhood and work my way forward to where I am now. Was I a quitter? Did I quit at EVERYTHING or was it just some things? Did this play a role in my many failed relationships and was it playing a role in my marriage? I mean I really needed to get to the root of my issue if I was ever going to make a change for the better.

Growing up was interesting for me because I went back and forth between two households on a fairly consistent basis. When my dad or stepmom made me mad, I would just leave and go to my moms. When she made me mad, I would just call my dad and have him come pick me up. I mean it was so much easier to just leave the situation than it was to stick it out and accept the good with the bad. My parents always wanted me to be happy no matter what so most times they would oblige with my requests and get me out of the “bad” situation. This was my first lesson on quitting. Times are going to get hard, just make sure you have somewhere to go to escape those times.

My parents didn’t have a lot of money when I was a child so they would scrape up money to put me in whatever extra curricular program I thought I wanted to do at that moment. From dance to gymnastics to modeling school, I never stuck with anything more than a year. If it was too hard, I quit. If it was too easy, I quit. If it was perfect for me but I was discouraged by others because they thought I was never going to make it in that industry, I quit. My parents would always ask me why I wanted to quit and I would cry and give some sob story about how I hated it. Because they just wanted me to be happy, even if they didn’t totally agree with my decision, they let me quit. Lesson number two on quitting: if it doesn’t seem like you are going to be good at it, just cry and then quit.

I took these lessons into adulthood and I have quit just about every endeavor I have went on. It wasn’t because I didn’t think I could do it, it was just easier to quit than it was to fight through those moments of self doubt. It was easier to act like I was in control of my situation and quit before I could fail. If I started to feel fear creep in, it was time to quit because no one has time to have fear. When times were tough I would just decide to take a “break” instead of figuring out how to make it work. I always wanted things to come to me easy. If it wasn’t easy then I assumed it wasn’t for me.

It wasn’t until marriage started to get hard that I realized that those lessons I learned on quitting wouldn’t work. It was difficult and I was feeling like the situation was “bad”, but I couldn’t see myself quitting, even though I said on many occasions that I just wanted to be done with the entire thing. The things we say when we are upset. Ok, let me be honest, it was more than words because I was looking for houses and everything at one point. I just really wanted to be over the whole marriage thing and couldn’t understand how anyone could make it through hard times like this. I had never gone through (and stuck with) a rough relationship so what was going to be different this time around. I had to ask myself the hard question of how my husband could change to make me happier and I most certainly did not like the answer. “YOU NEED TO GROW!”

Yep, in all of my meditation what kept coming out of it was my own growth. I mean I love EVERYONE and I was certain that I had it all together. Although I know that you have to always grow in order to be better, I never knew that I needed more growth in the area of love. I am like the definition of love. When you open the dictionary, you see my picture next to love. How in the world am I supposed to grow in an area that I have down to a science? Somehow I was still missing the point of growth that I needed. I needed to grow in the area of quitting on the things I love. It is easy to love someone that you don’t have to live with and deal with them pointing out all of your imperfections, while you silently kill them with your eyes. I mean love is easy…right? WRONG! Love is easy to say but harder to show. Yes, it is easy to show love in the way YOU like to see love, but everyone speaks different love languages and you have to know them, learn them, and become fluent in them if you truly want to show someone you love them. Yes, I heard all about this in premarital counseling but it most certainly didn’t seem like it would be this hard. I had to realize that after over 35 years of being a certain way, learning a new way to love wasn’t going to happen overnight, but if I love my husband as much as I say I do then I am sure enough going to have to learn, fight, and NOT QUIT!

I am overflowing with so much love  for my husband that quitting is not even an option anymore. It was/is hard but the love I have for him goes even harder so I have to figure out what I need to do to make things better. Yes, he can make changes as well but my focus has to be solely on the one person I can control, myself. Learning how to be better is starting on the inside and working its way out. Your actions are a reflection of what you feel on the inside. I have to deal with my own insecurities, self doubt, and fear so I can become a better wife, mother, person, and whatever other titles I may add. I have to believe! I have to love! I have to stop quitting!

*It has been a while since I wrote on my blog, although I have been journaling almost ever day. It is different writing your thoughts to no one but yourself and being open for anyone in the world to get a glimpse into your mind and see what you are feeling. It can be scary allowing others into some of the most intimate parts of your life, but I think it can be refreshing as well. Every time I write a post I get an overwhelming feeling of  fear and vulnerability, but I also get an overabundance of happiness. I get some feelings that are indescribable and that leads me to believe that blogging might be where my calling is. It is something that brings me much joy but I constantly quit out of fear. Since I am now in this new phase of my life when I am learning how NOT to quit, now is a good time to start over. Day 1.*