I have wanted to do a blog series for almost a month now but I have been putting it off mainly because I wasn’t exactly where I wanted to be at the time. I was making excuse after excuse on why I hadn’t sat down to write out a post. “I am too tired and I have too much to do.” That was code for, I just want to lie in the bed, eat ice cream, and watch YouTube videos. I was then reminded that is the exact reason for the series. I know I am not the only one that goes through these weird experiences, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually so how about I talk about the things that go through my head and what I experience on a regular basis. With all of the suicides we are seeing I figured what better place to start, depression.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I battled with depression for as long as I can remember and most of the people around me had no clue what I was going through. Even as a young child I had to deal with my low self-esteem and depression, which is how I became a professional at internalizing my emotions and getting what people call “thick skin”. I would get teased for having dry, wrinkled skin, and bags under my eyes. It would hurt and yes I would cry but then I would get teased more for crying. You see, it wasn’t cool to cry when people talked about you and my cousins (whom I love dearly) were savages back then. They wanted me to be tough so I could deal with what they knew the world was going to throw my way anyway. Although they were right and didn’t mean to hurt me, it made me very self-conscious. I would cry, a lot, but mainly when no one was around to hear the tears. It felt good to get it out, slap on a smile, and then move on with the day. I didn’t realize what it was doing to me internally at the time.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! People handle depression in different ways and I went through a lot of phases trying to figure out how to feel “happy”. From sex, to shopping, to eating, to finally working out and meditation, I mean you name it I probably did it. Well except hard drugs and smoking, but those reasons will come in another YOU ARE NOT ALONE post. Most of what I did to feel “happy” only made me feel more depressed. Lets take a look at them and talk about how they made me feel.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I thought sex was a way to feel sexy and make men want me. I mean, of course then I would be happy if people actually wanted me and thought I was pretty. It was empowering at first to know I had the power to make men (and some women, but again that is for another YOU ARE NOT ALONE post) want me. I wanted to feel loved and needed but I didn’t realize just what it was doing to me spiritually. Sex just made me feel emptier inside. It was like I was losing a part of me every time I gave myself to someone else but I didn’t know how to stop. Certainly, if I didn’t have sex then I would be alone and back into my depression. Sex allowed me to get my mind off of how I was really feeling on the inside for just that moment and since I didn’t want to have those depressed emotions I just stayed in unstable relationships. It was this one time when I thought it would be a good idea to become a stripper that a guy sat me down and told me everything I needed to hear. He said, “I am not sure what your story is or why you are here, heck I don’t even know why I am here, but it was put in my heart to tell you that you don’t need to do this. You are beautiful and there is so much more in store for you. God wants to do something through you and if you stay in this atmosphere it will only lead you into darkness.” That was the second day of my stripping gig and also my last day. I was sad to see that money go, but I ended up getting a job at the movie theater instead. I mean he was right and I am forever thankful that he actually talked to me. There is no telling where I would be if he didn’t. So if you are like me and depending on sex to make you feel better, know that lifestyle will only lead you further into the darkness of depression. You can get out and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Shopping was one of my FAVORITE things to do. I loved to dress nice and buy things just to buy them. Even if it weren’t needed, I would find myself in some mall just looking around until I found something I “needed” to have. Oh and don’t let it be extremely cute because then I had to get it in all colors. Yep, I had an issue. This issue only left me more depressed and in debt. What can one person do with 80 pairs of jeans? I have no idea, yet I had over 80 pairs and refused to give them up. I don’t know if it was because shopping allowed me to be around 100’s of other people doing the same thing, or the one person that was helping me in Nordstrom that made me feel special, or if it was the compliments I would get for dressing nice, but it made me feel good…at that moment. But still, when I got home and had to put the clothes away or take off the nice outfit, I was still naked and alone in my thoughts and the depression was still peeking its ugly head. So if you are like me and want to shop your way through the depression, know that no amount of money or material items will bring you happiness. You can get out and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Food put me in a “happy” place. Well chocolate and ice cream did it for me and if you put those two together, I felt like I was in heaven! That was until I could no longer button up those 80+ pairs of jeans I had in my closet. What was I doing to myself? How could something that made me feel so good be so bad? I guess this was the story of my life. I mean chocolate is known to lift your mood because of the release of serotonin it causes so it isn’t all bad, but it was the rate at which I was eating it. I mean when you are battling depression, this is something that never goes away so I would be eating ice cream and chocolate every night right before bed just to make me feel better and get me through the next day. 40 pounds later I am trying to figure out what happened to my life and what in the world I am going to do to change it. It was a huge back and forth because the weight made me more depressed, which led me to want to eat even more, which in turn made me more depressed. It was a vicious cycle I needed to get out of and quick before it did more damage. If you are like me, depending on food to change your mood, know that it will only lead to more issues in the future. Those issues can be diabetes, heart disease, or even death. It is not too late; you can get out and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! My first trainer (Tonya) was nothing short of amazing. I went to her when I was feeling really low. I was newly divorced, trying to figure out life, and get my body back. I didn’t realize just how much better I would feel once I started working out. It was a little confusing though, because although I was in pain, mentally I felt so good. It was like I was getting my chocolate fix, but in a healthy way. Tonya would encourage me, inspire me, and push me past whatever imaginary limit I set for myself. I knew that this was going to be my life one way or another. I now had a reason to live! If I could just help one person the way she helped me I would be happy. She gave me a glimpse of my purpose and now it was up to me to either allow my mind to keep me in bondage or to find a way to stay in this happy, healthy space and help others. My body was looking and feeling so much better, but all I kept thinking was, “now what?” If you are like me and found something that brings you some happiness but don’t know how to add it into your daily living, know that you can if you just make it a priority. Make a list of things you have to do and ensure it is on your list. We all go through this and I am still trying to prioritize my life. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! The moment I learned the art of meditation my life changed drastically! Something about learning how to quiet the mind and just be at peace in each moment did something to me. It allowed me to literally turn off those bad thoughts and change the dialogue I was having in my head. Meditation brought a peace that cannot be explained but can only be felt. It was the first time I was able to feel the separation between my physical body and my spiritual self. That was when I realized that I am not just this shell of a body, but I am this spiritual being placed on this earth to make a difference. My body is only the vessel my spirit is using to deliver the message and make that difference. Meditation allowed me to realize the connection we have with the earth and all that is within. Just driving in silence from time to time, listening to the trees blow in the wind, the birds chirping, and the waters flowing brings about a sense of peace. All of those things are just being. They don’t worry about what other birds think of them, or if one branch grows longer than the other, or if one wave is higher than the next. Nope, they just simply continue to be. I am learning that instead of waiting on the right time to be me, I just simply have to be. My depression was based on outside influences, which was influencing my insides. I had to get on the inside of myself and slowly prune away those layers that no longer needed to be. My daughter said something on Friday that we all laughed at, but now that I am writing this makes so much more sense to me. A friend said to Sarah, “Sarah you have really come out of your shell!” She replied, “Yes, it was just a shell and I am out of it now so you can have it if you want to.” That statement is so profound coming from a nine year old. Even she realized that a shell is just that, something you can come out of and throw it away. I mean she was willing to give hers to someone else, but you get the picture. There are some shells we have within us that we are afraid to come out of because we don’t feel worthy. This unworthiness causes a depression and I am here to tell you that YOU ARE WORTHY! So if you are like me and tired of battling with depression and the thoughts of suicide, know that you can change your thoughts. You are amazing just the way you are! You are beautiful! YOU ARE NOT ALONE because we are ALL worthy of living this life and being our best selves even in our mess.

I LOVE YOU!